Sunday, February 5, 2012

Has It Been a Year Already?


Once in a full moon, originally uploaded by Pandiyan.
I'm writing here at the suggestion of my fiancé. From time to time, I miss my son so much, I can't keep my chin up. When that happens, I do things like stay in bed all weekend, cry for hours and tweet morbidly depressing things.

I've stayed away from this blog because it reminds me that my empty nest transition wasn't the positive, uplifting experience I tried to make it. It reminds me that I miss my son and I'm not through letting go of the fact that I'm finished raising him.

I'm not ready to confront this every day. 18 months after he left for college, I still haven't accepted the fact that my son's childhood is over.

I don't get to raise him anymore. I don't get to stand on a lacrosse field three night a week cheering my head off and celebrating with his teammates' parents. I don't get to kiss him goodnight every night, or hug him goodbye every morning when I leave for work. I could go on.

I can't imagine I'm the only mom to take...a while to move through this transition. I'm sure I'm not the only one who cries seemingly endless tears from the center of her chest every few months. I wonder when it will stop. I wonder if I even want it to.

If I'm not the only one--and I suspect I'm not--why do I feel like I'm the only one? Do we just not talk about this because admitting that we can't let go all the way--or that it hurts when we do--is something we are ashamed of or afraid to talk about? And how in the hell do we manage to get things done if all of us have to stop every few months and put the weight down for an hour, a day, or an entire weekend?

The thing that triggered my tears today was a photo of my son and his friend and his friend's parents after a lacrosse game. I was looking at pictures of him from high school lacrosse and getting lost in them. I could feel the sweetness of those sunny summer nights after a game. I stopped at the one of him with his teammate and his teammate's parents and something took my breath away. I can't even tell what it was. Maybe it was how blissfully unaware everyone looked of the separation that was about to happen. I think I'm going to email a few of the moms from the team. Maybe they spend weekends in bed crying too. Maybe they want to talk about it over a glass of wine and some fancy-schmancy cheese.

Anyway, I should probably stop dwelling on this for now. I've managed to stop crying and I'm just solid blue right now. I just wanted to come back here and say what I said; wonder what I wondered. I guess it's a safe place for me to talk about this. I do feel bad about how infrequently I write here, but I shouldn't let that stop me from coming here when I really need to.

1 comment:

Jillian said...

Carla-As a mom of a nearly 6-year-old boy and 18-month-old-girl, I can only imagine what you're going through. I will say thank you, though, because tonight, as I read this post, it reminded me to live in the present-to focus my attention on being with my kids and not on the dirty laundry/floor/dishes.

I think that when you've been a present parent and have found real joy in being a mom or dad, this kind of transition can only be heartbreaking. Trust in the fact that you raised your son well, that he loves you, and that his willingness and ability to make this move for himself only means that you did a stand-up job as a mom. Hugs to you tonight.